Work slows to a crawl… uncertainty speeds up.
I’ve been so lucky. In the world of freelancing, I’ve been working consistently for the better part of a decade. In that time, I’ve learned how to let go of the panic moments as each gig ended, trusting that I would once again pick up a project.
I enjoy what I do. For the most part, the projects and the people make it easy to go to work feeling good about life. I feel so grateful that I don’t spend hours at a cubicle or at a department store–jobs I’ve tried, but left always blazing a trail back to the world of entertainment.
A distant voice has been surfacing. Five years since the first inkling, I decide to face my insides. For a year, I deigned to follow some uniquely inspiring Deepak Chopra meditations. Trembling like a leaf after one session, I decide to let myself actually peer deeply into my soul, into “the field of my own possibilities”. That day, I decide to let my questioning heart see the light of day.
Where will tomorrow lead?
Dear heart, What is your passion? What is that thing, that way of living that will bring you joy?
I don’t know actually.
I’ve been so busy working to survive living in New York that I had pushed many, many important things to the side. Pay bills. Find work. Fall in love. Break up. Move. Repeat. Admittedly, I’ve made beaucoup mistakes along the way. Spending too much money on travel, or going out. I’ve my fair share of financial obligations to add to the mix: divorce and supporting two people on just my salary. I should have made wiser choices. I didn’t.
I’ve been playing catch up since.
Which led me to Deepak and meditating. Realizing and acknowledging that as much as I enjoy what I do, there’s just something missing. How do I figure that out? What’s my passion? What do I do?
I started reading and talking to important people in my life.
What is my life’s purpose? I asked. Well, I was countered, What are you passionate about?
What hit me was this idea of looking back to your childhood for clues. What did I do in my childhood that brought me unparalleled joy? Could I now as an adult bring something from my past forward? Did I bury some part of passionate me back there?
I don’t know how long it will take. I do know this: that voice, I can hear it. Hear me. Clearly.
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